The Evil Vending Machine

I know this has happened to you all. Its a hot day out, you are really thirsty after spending your morning chasing after Brittany Spears (maybe not that part), and you really need a drink. You dig deep into your pockets hoping that you will some how have enough money for that almost mirage like soda machine across the street.

After pulling out 23¢ worth of nickels and pennies a long with an unreasonable amount of pocket lint, you look everywhere for change – Under your car seats, on the ground, anywhere – hell you might even steal from a hobo. When you finally conjure up the required sum its one of the greatest feelings ever.

You proudly march your way to the vending machine. Insert your funds, penny by penny. You hit the button, and wait for your reward… You hit the button and wait for your reward…NOTHING!

You calm yourself down and remember that nice little coin return button exists, and press it – press it again – punch it – stab it – poke it – NOTHING.

All of your efforts have brought you nothing but further away from your original goal. But of corse your money has just became another dosage of pure profit for those thieving soda companies.

What do you do now?

They claim they will reimburse you if you call their special phone number, but you wont receive that for at least two weeks. (And they only send you a coupon for their products, that many stores and all vending machines refuse to take)

Your screwed. You just got beat by a vending machine.

Kicking it might release some of your anger but that doesn’t help you either.

Dear Ed Hardy,

Dear Ed Hardy,

Settle down. Take a step back. We know you love rhinestones more than a 12 year-old girl. Could you please just use them sparingly,  or if you can’t do that maybe you could consider making your prices slightly less ourtageous – because that would be really great too.

Don’t get me wrong – If you did lower your prices I still would’nt buy your shirts, hats, or panties for that matter. However lowering your prices would make you less cool of corse because no one wants to show off their reasonably priced, flamboyant rhinstone enlaced shirt, they want to show off their $300 dollar flamboyant t-shirt that will start to deteriorate after one wash – but don’t worry your target audience doesn’t wash their clothes anyway.

Now look at this broseph, dropped a cool 2g’s on his wonderfully flamboyant outfit. My god, isnt he cool – mathching shirt, shorts, slip-ons, sun glasses and probably a thong underneath there too. All of this so he could go stand by a small airplane, sounds great.

Or maybe you could look like some sort of Ed Hardy-Hitler combo package, like this Sir. Cool enough to stand with his hands on his ass, and to not show his face- although his neck does look mighty fine. Mr. Hardy do people buy this? Its… Uh unique, I’ll give you that – but so is naming your kid Apple, and that’s not cool either.

Hitler and Ed Hardy may have had a child.

Business Days

Thank you for your feedback you will be contacted within 2 business days. (Actual time: Pending)

Your order will arive within 6-12 business days. (Actual time: 34 Days)

What exactly is a business day? Well it would make sense if it meant the days in which the buiness is on operation. However as you can tell from the examples above- its pretty much can be defined as ‘whenever we feel like it, and most likely significantly after that’.

What inspires this madness? I don’t know, but maybe they do. I sent a certain fast food chain an email inquiring about this. And I guess we’ll have to wait 2 business days.

An Open Letter to NewBalance

Dear New Balance:

I am writing to you regarding my concern for the wellbeing of your shoe designers. Your shoes look like the product of tie dying elephand dung, and somehow adding a gross faux-silver palmer. They are truly horrible. You may pride yourselves on the shoes comfort – however when they have an appearance worse then old shoes thrown about the side of the highway, it is hard for consumers to purchase these.

Wearing a pair of new balance shoes, is like showering in others urine – it feels good, until you realize what your doing. I would like to applaud anyone who has the courage to wear these …uhh… fine pieces of manufacturing. I strongly recommend each and everyone of you goes out to your favorite hardwear store, barefoot and purchases a can of spraypaint before anyone sees you are wearing these.

I simply cannot comprehend how comfortable these shoes must be to overcome their horrible aesthetics.

I hope these shoe designers have a good reason for making these so horrible maybe they were drunk, high, or both.

Sincererly,

Anon

Look at these beasts:

Reece’s Pieces Vomit

Mustard and Fish Eggs

Solidified Bee Carcuss Paté

Don’t worry there are many more. If you ever are in the mood to vomit, possibly trying to loose weight I highly recommend visiting the NewBalance product page.

Apple Support Delaurus Conspiracy

After my iPod video broke conveniently outside of its warranty, I spent a lot of time on the phone with apple customer supports. I noticed either a large coincidence or some sort of one name conspiracy. Due to their unorganized call center, I was transferred to several departments. I talked to a couple of male customer service repersentitives – and three females.

Each female I talked to (clearly different people) told me their name was Delaurus. This seems highly impossible to me, as Delaurus is an uncommon name – and 3 out of the 3 women I spoke to within 20 minutes shared that name.

Whats going on here?

This conincidenc took place when I spoke with the call centre located in Canada, when I spoke with the US call centre each women had a different name.

Well you know your customer service is disorganised when customers talk to enough repersentitives to notice paterns like this.

Damn iPods.

Tiny Ketchup Packets

You know that someone somewhere had the great idea to create these egotistical little packets. Hmm… We now have squeeze bottles and those fancy ketchup pumps at restaurants. Putting ketchup on your food was easy -so someone decided to wreck this ketchup-ey bliss and create these tiny little packets of ketchup.

One packet holds about 8 grams ketchup. On average with 1 serving of fries 5 packets of ketchup get “applied”. I understand that there needs to be a way to give people eating take-out ketchup. But usually they give you 2 packets. That is roughly 16 grams of ketchup- On average people use more than 2.5X this amount of ketchup at 40 grams of ketchup.

Why don’t they make the packets bigger? How about 40 gram packets? It still would be a pain having to open them and watch half of the contents ( precisely 4 grams) land on your shirt and making it appear that you are bleeding thick blood vigorously through your shirt.This problem is even worse for the Nations Ketchup users that enjoy bountiful amounts of ketchup. It is very tragic. Without Ketchup, fries are worthless to some.

Maybe we all need to install fancy ketchup pumps in our car just for the occasional time that we get french fries to go. Maybe the next hip option in a car can be a ketchup dispenser. ” Sir would like to buy this fully loaded mazda?” “Does it have a ketchup pump in it?” “Why yes it does” “Oh…Then yes I will.”

Starbucks Sizes

Tall, Grande, Venti.

Why cant Starbucks use normal sizes. Maybe it gives you the extra push to pay $5 for a coffee. Tall and Grande sound like the largest, yet they are not. I am sure their evil marketing geniuses had fun creating these names. Every time I order, I speak in English and they have to correct me to their half Latin names. They look so shocked that I would even consider speaking in English.

Somethings need their names to be in other languages, such as Crouton which could be “Bread that we dropped on the ground and left to dehydrate, the sprinked garlic salt on them so they wouldnt taste like floor”. But I think Sizes are fairly straight forward.

However maybe Starbucks success is do to there evil size names, in which case this phenomenon may spread across the world, and I can wear a Venti sized shirt.

UPDATE:
Paul Rudd argues about Starbucks sizes in Rolemodels:

The Wal-Mart Odor

Similar to how every Wal-Mart in the world seems to look the same. I have noticed that they all smell the same. The fragrence is a unusual one I haven’t smelled at simallar stores such as K-Mart. If the aroma was a pleasent one it would be quite nice, However it’s not.

The moment you enter through those automatic sliding doors, and are carefully inspected by the “Wal-Mart Greeter” you notice the odor. It smells of dirty rubber, fecal chloroforms,  packing tape, dust, and some other things I can’t quite put my finger on. It could be that every time I enter the store someone decides to light off a fart, maybe the employees just smell bad.

I have developed a solution to all of Wal-Marts’ odor problems. Fortunately Wal-Mart being the massive Mart of everything, It sells Ferbreze.  Wal-Mart can create another job title, and make a nice name for it like “Odor Control Associate.” This person will travel to every  Wal-Mart in the world and kick a bottle Ferbreze until it explodes.

If we trust the Ferbreze Ads “Freshen Up, Don’t Cover up.” Then hopefully it will get rid of the smell. But there is a 86% chance that it will make the store smell like Lemon Breeze flavored Fecal Matter.

I guess there is no solution.

Gift Cards

What a fantasitc evil marketing scheme.

Step 1. The buyer drives themselves across the city to the local “retail centre”

Step 2. The buyer spends 10+ minutes in line waiting to get their turn to speak to the almighty minimum wage worker

Step 3. The gift card is handed over

Step 4. The gift card is given

Step 4.5 The card is never used and the retail store gets 100% profit. (Optional)

Step 5. The receiver gets drive across the city

Step 6. Wait in line

Step 7. They charge a maintence fee

Step 8. Use the giftcard for a small portion of there purchase and has to use cash anyway.

In the future hopefully the invent something easier, is it rumored to be named cash.